A Hot Captain Walks Into A Bar
by Firework Warrior
Summary: Ling is now an officer. He keeps morale up through tall tales and humor. But the best storytellers have lived their stories, like Mulan has. And tonight, Mulan has a very interesting story - Li Shang walking into an inn for the night, a bandit attack, and how an undercover barmaid saved the day.


A Hot Captain Walks Into a Bar…

Night descended on the camp like a swift-winged falcon. A bonfire was the recruits' best defense from the dark and chill. They sat around the bonfire, sharing stories and songs.

Ling was now an officer. He was serious in battle. Any other time, he regaled his subordinates with tall tales and humor. Tonight was no exception. He launched into another one of his stories: "A hot Captain walks into a bar…"

A female voice interjected: "That's not how the story goes."

"Fa Mulan?!" The recruits jumped.

"Captain Fa Mulan to you." she corrected. "Ling, how about you let me tell this one? After all, I was there."

The recruits grumbled. Ling was an excellent storyteller. How could a woman do better? But they forgot that Ling and Mulan were friends.

"Eh.. you tell it, Captain!" Ling gave Mulan a dramatic bow, then took a seat nearby.

Mulan took a deep breath, restraining the urge to blush as she began the story…

Li Shang was in one of his moods. Even though a promotion was imminent, he still got stuck training the worst recruits. A brawl the first day (again) started by a green recruit who decided to bluster (again)! Some things never changed.

"All I need is a woman in the camp and I'll have a repeat of my first command." he grumbled. He decided not to tempt fate with that thought.

Still, as he walked into the Western Skies Inn, he thought of the one woman he wished was in the camp - his beloved hero, Mulan. What he 'd give to have her in his company! He longed to lose himself in her deep starry eyes. He thought of loosening the tie that held her hair up, relishing the sensation of his hands touching midnight silk. He dreamed of kissing her soft lips, holding her strong figure…

He scolded himself. He wasn't married to her! Yes, they loved each other. Yes, would have tender moments while they could. But marriage was not in the cards. At least not yet.

The usual noise of the inn's attached restaurant greeted him. He trudged towards the bar and plopped into the seat.

"Tough day, Captain?" asked the barmaid. Her voice sounded familiar, but nothing else did. Her face was made up. Her hair was in a high bun. She wore a simple dress, the same purplish-pink as a magnolia, with a white apron. "You look like you could use a drink."

"Yes." Shang thought back to the difficult day. "To both." He kept his head down as he asked for something strong. Normally he'd ask for a weaker drink, but he wanted to fall asleep and forget everything.

"Here you go." The barmaid's small hands brushed against Shang's.

Shang tasted the drink. "That's good…" he mumbled. "Thank you, miss." Then he downed the cup.

"I miss my _baobei_."

The barmaid poured another drink for Shang. "What's she like?"

"Her name is Mulan - Fa Mulan. She's… unconventional, I suppose. But she has my love."

"Fa Mulan?" The barmaid sounded surprised. "You mean, the Hero of China?"

"The very one. Word has it, she might be doing some undercover work." Shang hit his forehead. The alcohol must have been getting to him.

"Well, that doesn't surprise me." said the barmaid. "Once she had the taste of freedom, she probably wanted another."

The barmaid's voice dropped to a whisper. "Keep your eyes open. There might be some unsavory types in the area."

Shang suddenly became aware of his own heartbeat. He could feel the pulse of the vessels without pressing on them. His body did that under two circumstances: impending danger or passion. Mulan was nowhere to be seen, so it had to be the former.

Sure enough. A man walked into the bar. But not just any man. He was smelly and dirty, dressed in ragged riding clothes. Shang's face hardened at the sight. The barmaid made a motion to not look suspicious.

"Good evening," greeted the barmaid, "welcome to the Western Skies Inn."

The man got a lecherous grin on his face. Shang put his hand on the hilt of his sword. The barmaid noticed the tension and gave Shang a reassuring look. Almost like she could handle it… could she?

"You may not be aware of this, but the inn is not a brothel. We have excellent liquor, however."

"Pity. You're a pretty flower, just waiting to be plucked."

The barmaid moved back. "Perhaps you'd like a drink?" she asked. The man nodded as she filled a cup.

Shang noticed the barmaid pulled a small vial from her apron and put a drop of the contents in the drink. Then she gave it to the man. He took it and downed the cup… and within seconds, his eyes rolled back in his head. He fell off the barstool with a loud THUD!

Some other guests gasped. The barmaid took control. "Run, before more show up."

Shang gaped at the barmaid's boldness, and how quickly the other guests obeyed her. In their haste to escape, someone left the door open. Shang made a dash to close and lock it, but too late - ten bandits came in through windows and side doors.

"Oh no," Shang calculated the odds, "we're outnumbered ten to one."

"Ten to two," corrected the barmaid, "I'm not defenseless." Metal glinted in the pockets of her apron. Of course she'd have knives.

One of the bandits had throwing stars. With a flick of his wrist, they were streaking through the air.

The barmaid grabbed a serving tray. It was tough mountain oak and reinforced with iron. She held it like a shield, causing the throwing stars to get stuck in the wood.

Two bandits attacked Shang. Swift as a coursing river, he drew his sword and stabbed one bandit between the ribs. Blood gushed from the wound as his enemy fell.

The other one was armed with a criss, a jagged sword like Shan Yu's favored weapon. The weapon was too big for the wielder. He swung at Shang's head. Shang parried the strike - and the criss snapped at the hilt! The disarmed bandit tried to run, but the barmaid caught up to him. She smashed the tray against the side of his head, killing him instantly.

Shang whistled low, impressed at the barmaid's skill. "Focus!" the barmaid shouted. Not a moment too soon. She was gone after the warning. Now six bandits rushed him.

Shang dropped and swept his leg in an arc, tripping all six at once. They hit the floor... then got up again! Shang grabbed his sword and finished two off. He was locked in a swordfight with a third.

The other three tried to invade the slaughter barn for weapons. But the barmaid intercepted them.

One ended up hung by the back on a meat hook. Iron sliced through his flesh and embedded in his backbone. Another tried to grab a stake that was used to tie animals before slaughter, but it was firm in the ground. In one motion, the barmaid grabbed him and impaled him through the heart. The last one was terrified at the sight and decided to run. But he fell on a pitchfork. The metal pierced his jugular.

By that time, Shang had finished off the bandit he had been fighting with. The other two were arguing with each other: they were obviously out-matched at this point, but they hadn't gotten any valuables out of the raid.

"A captain's pretty valuable." suggested one.

"He'll get a good enough ransom." agreed the other.

By now, Shang was getting tired. He was running on adrenaline but not much else. "Duck and cover, Captain!" shouted the barmaid. Shang lowered his head, and two knives flew past him. They embedded in the bandits' shoulders. Painful, but not deadly. They let go of Shang and decided to negotiate.

"Look, just hand over the money and we'll leave." one pleaded. The barmaid found the heavy cash box and placed it on the table. The bandits took it and left.

As the bandits made off with the cash box, they accidentally dropped it. The cash box was actually a bomb! The resulting explosion killed the last two bandits.

"Celebratory drink?" the barmaid offered.

"A toast to the fighting barmaid!" Shang raised his cup and downed it.

"To a courageous Captain who needs to be a General!" The barmaid took a drink too.

"To the day I get promoted to General!"

"To a shared victory!"

"To Mulan, wherever she is right now! I love you, Mulan!" Shang was clearly drunk. He passed out soon after.

"To the best fiancé I could ask for." the barmaid whispered, and carried Shang to a couple's suite at the inn.

The next morning, Shang awoke with a terrible headache. "Ugh, why did I drink so much…" he groaned.

"It really isn't proper for a higher officer to drink himself to sleep." deadpanned a familiar voice.

Shang blinked. There was the barmaid from last night, standing by the side of the bed. Her face was devoid of makeup. Her hair was down, revealing it was slightly past her shoulders. And she was in her sleep-wear, a blue-white halter top and light blue knee-length shorts.

"Mulan?" Shang was suddenly awake. "Were you…"

"Working undercover as a barmaid for the Western Skies Inn?" Mulan teased. "Yes, and I made sure you were comfortable last night."

"You didn't do anything, did you?"

"Does cuddling count? You're a nice pillow."

"Mulan…!"

Mulan giggled. "I gave you weaker drinks at first. I wouldn't want you fighting drunk."

"What about when we were toasting? Do you have this hangover?"

"I was drinking water."

"Oh, you gorgeous troublemaker!" Shang tried to sound annoyed, but he was laughing. "I love you, Mulan!"

"I love you too, Shang."

The recruits - and Ling - were dumbstruck.

"Mulan, can you visit more often?" one finally asked. "We like your stories!"

"Maybe you can bring your fiancé too!" suggested another.

Mulan shook her head. "Nah, he's occupied at night." She and Ling bowed to each other, and Mulan left.

Walking towards a large tent, Mulan saw the light on. The tent flap opened, revealing a very tired Shang. He beckoned for her to come in.

"Up for a drink?" Mulan teased.

"No thanks." Shang chuckled. "Now, what's this about me being occupied at night?"

"We both are." Mulan murmured. "Let's get down to business."

The End


End file.
